For a few years, people consider me to be the “extrovert.” That’s how many of my peers and teachers would describe me after my contributions to student leadership and public speaking in general (or “euphonious diatribes”). I suppose that due to pressure from exams and college applications, I’ve recently gotten a little quieter. I yell a lot softer; it’s hard to get me to be “less loquacious” than I already am, but it’s really a facade.
The only exception is with a friend of mine. I really don’t have a pseudonym for him this time, so we’ll refer to him in the personal pronoun. When I’m with him, I rarely talk. He’s often the one initiating the conversation, and each conversation doesn’t exactly last very long. Typically, even when it’s with people who I rarely associate with or have little to no mutual interest in anything, we can still somehow get some conversation going. It’s not the same with him.
It’s a little odd, to be perfectly frank. We do have some common interests, such as our love for reading and existentialism, or our inclination to think in a more “humanitarian” fashion. Many had expected us to be really good friends — which we are. But a lot of the times, I don’t really know what to talk about with him.
Don’t get me wrong: he’s a great guy. Our chats are always enriching, not to mention profound, but the problem is that even though I’m absolutely dying to, I often don’t know how to continue the conversation. What he talks about, be it about Philosophy, Politics, Economics…or even life, is always downright mind-blowing (in a good way. A very good way). I know he would never intend to do something like it because he’s really humble, but I somehow feel so, well, “intellectually inferior” that I can never bring myself to actually say anything in response that could possibly be anywhere as interesting as what comes out of his mouth. In the end, we just sit in silence and I’ll look out into a distance (partially due to my inability to make eye contact) until he sparks another interesting discussion a few minutes later. And the cycle goes on.
I really like this guy (as a friend), and I really want to be able to talk to him “properly,” so to speak. It sometimes feels awkward when I can’t keep our chats flowing like how I’m usually able to with other people. Is this some psychological thing I’m feeling that I’m overlooking or just not willing to accept, or am I really just not capable of establishing a secure connection with him (the analogy sounds like Wi-Fi)?